Ottawa - April 1, 2011
All four major parties contesting Stephen Harper's minority government in a surprise press conference this morning announced they are forming a coalition, named The Canadian Coalitiion, to ensure a majority in the upcoming election.
"We finally realised," the joint statement said "that, despite our many differences, we are all much closer together on the political spectrum than our previous bickering would have led Canadians to believe. Furthermore, we see that the majority of Canadians also share these same values and that it is only a small, but powerful, minority who want to undermine our democracy and society to increase their own wealth and power."
"We would like to apologize to the Canadian people for our own arrogance and egotism that forced them to split up their votes allowing the Conservatives to make a run right up the middle. From here on in, we can promise you that if you vote with your heart and beliefs, we will bury our differences and find the compromise to form a government that will shepherd in a new era of fiscal responsibility married with social support for those who need it."
"Education, the environment, investment in technological R&D and green forms of energy will be the pillars of our shared platform, all wrapped in a tent of prudent spending with a priority on eliminating the deficit. By eliminating the excessive corporate tax cuts of the Conservatives, we should be able to get in the black by the end of 2012."
After the reading of the statement, each of the leaders spoke individually to reporters.
Jack Layton: "I finally realized that my dream of taking over the centrist position of the Liberals was simply unrealistic and based on a lot of suppressed resentment towards Iggy and his educational pedigree. Yeah, he is kind of an intellectual snob, but he's actually a pretty smart guy. Turns out we've got a lot to talk about."
Gilles Duceppe: "It was not easy for me to swallow, but I finally realized that by hanging on to my strict separatist platform, I only scare off the rest of Canada and allow the Conservatives to play the "destruction of Canada" card. I can't keep catering to a bunch of resentful losers stuck in the Sixties. We've won the revolution and Quebec is doing great. Now is the time to take our platform of social justice and support to the rest of the country."
Michael Ignatieff: "I'll tell you what did it for us, it was that CBC Vote Compass. When you see your political position laid out graphically like that, it just becomes so clear. I e-mailed Jack and it turned out he was e-mailing me at the same time. Crazy!"
Elizabeth May: "Kiss my ass, Consortium of Canadian Broadcasters! Good luck with your subsidies next year!"
Stephen Harper, in Churchill Falls, simply said "ah, fuck."
(with a tip of the hat to Angeli.ca.)